Dean's been having unexplained panic feelings. His first anniversary date is March 23. His second anniversary date is April something, middle of the month sometime. With both of those dates he has sickness that comes over him until the date passes and in years past, after mid April, he's fine.
It's May 6th and starting May 3rd he began to tell me of symptoms he's having that he doesn't understand. He's describing a physical depression that doesn't include sadness. An overall feeling of dread. Dreams that are worrisome to him. Then yesterday, May 5th, he said that he was planning to fix the furnace and he's got all his tools out and he's sitting there looking at it and a panic feeling comes over him. His heart starts racing, he begins to drip with sweat, his eyes go blurry and then to white where he can't see. His hands and body start twitching and he feels like if he would have been alone, he might have laid down on the floor so his body to uncontrollably spasm. He maintained secrecy of his symptoms though because his respite lady was here and he doesn't want to tell her what he's feeling. He made sure to tell me that he didn't want to tell me his symptoms either but he knows that it helps me to help him when we have to see a VA doc when I know what he's got going on with him. I asked him if he felt it was a seizure or a panic and he doesn't know but he's leaning toward panic.
I mentioned to him that although this would be a new date to contend with, 5 years ago on May 8th is when he came home for R&R with his broken elbow when I had to take him to Ft Lewis and they tried to keep him here and not let him go back to Afghanistan. He convinced them eventually to let him go back and of course got sent home again but I remember his mental state when he was home on R&R. He told me that this was not his home, Afghanistan was his home. He didn't want to be here. His mind was singly focused on having to go back to be with his guys! The urgency in his spirit was a feeling like a mother forcefully separated from her baby...it was horrible for him. When I mentioned the May 8th importance to see what that sparked in him he automatically went back to that time too when he hated being here. So this may explain these new symptoms? We'll ride it out and see what May 9th & 10th & 11th look like.
Now it's 7am on the 6th and he's sleeping. Don't know what today will bring. Don't know if his body is just going to add more and more panic days until some point when he want to get help for it? I don't know. It's a good thing that over 5 years I've gotten really used to feeling the i don't knows.