Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Overwhelmed and Lost

I just don't know what's wrong with me the last few days. I feel so alone and like there is no point in talking to anyone about it. I feel like there is so much that I don't know where to start or even what I would say. I will just ramble all the thoughts that enter my mind and see if any of it gets straightened out:

I fear that Dean is having more difficulty that will start to affect his current abilities. There are a lot of abilities that he lost due to his injuries but we try to focus on what he still CAN do. The last couple days he's been having to do some trailer/rig electrical work which would normally not be a problem. Except he's been having problems. Post-injury he had figured out a way to keep track of his work, but with this project he's having difficulty tracking and remembering what he's doing. He is getting confused right in the middle of things. He says he just can't seem to figure things out and he knows he knows how to do this stuff...but right now he just can't seem to do it and doesn't know why. He also says his eyesight is getting worse. He's out there working on the rig with a magnifying glass so he can see. I feel so helpless and so very sad for him. How can anyone understand this? My God if this is an indicator of his future then I think I will need medication to fight sadness :(

Just trying to wake up each day and be happy is becoming a chore. Each day I think today is just another yesterday.

So many things on our plate right now have to be repeated over and over because he forgets. We want to buy or build a house and we both want two different things. He wants what he's always dreamed of while I want what's going to be best for our future. I look at our future of probably Alzheimer's and me doing everything I do now and more until I die. Basically I live a life that requires me having access to help and family while he wants to be far away from people. Practically speaking we are talking he wants 5 to 40 acres and I know that he will need to be in the country away from city noise and hustle/bustle of people but I think 1 to 5 acres will be more manageable. He wants many animals...like a small ranch/farm (which he can't take care of but he thinks he can). I can see some chickens and MAYBE a cow? Those are our disagreements. We agree that he needs a machine shop and a greenhouse and garden. It is so frustrating trying to find locations to look that meet the requirements. I just can't wait for our credit to be good enough for a prequalification so we can call an agent and let him/her look for what we want. I'm hoping that he/she can perform some miracle with our needs.

I am not able to maintain all the healthful living that I want. I need someone to help motivate me. I need help.

I have tons of things I still need to get done and have lost all steam. I read my friends' updates on facebook and their lives just go on and on and mine just doesn't. Mine feels like a skipping record or a groundhog's day just playing over and over.

Well I've spilled my thoughts and feelings out and still don't really have any clarity.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Optimism with no hope?

I was talking today to a CNA that works at a nursing home. She explained a lot to me about how things work out in the civilian world regarding people with problems like Dean has. She really GOT IT....she works with people with brain problems everyday and has been doing it for years....and she gets to see it from such a different vantage point than I do. I have thought about visiting a nursing home type facility to see if they have things set up there that I can mimic here to keep me better organized.

Anyway, at one point she asked me "How do you do it"? I replied with some kind of answer like "I have no choice....I have to just do it". As we continued talking and I told her of some issues I'm having with Dean and him spending money and trying to teach him how to track his spending and not be so impulsive she said something that never occurred to me. As crazy as this sounds....it never occurred to me!!! She said "What if this is as good as he's going to get and you can never teach him how"? At that point I had the slamming to a halt realization of something that I had not allowed myself to think about. What if there is nothing more I can do, what if I'm not the inept one, what if I'm not doing something wrong, what if I'm doing all I can do and it just isn't going to improve? I have been hanging onto some idea that if I can just get him in a routine, get him to follow some protocols, or teach him some new habits then this could all be more manageable. But what if he will never get into a routine, never follow protocols, and never learn new habits and we are stuck going around the same overwhelming circle over and over and over again?

The deepest sadness hit me.

What if this is it? I am barely hanging on as it is. I can't keep track of another life that has this much freedom and ability. How do I have the same conversations over and over about our future and the decisions I have to make that he doesn't understand? Sometimes it feels like 50 first dates with a 3 year old (and I do NOT say that to be belittling to my husband!) but in a lot of ways it's like he can't see that something won't work, he can't see that he is unable to do something, he can't see the impossiblity of a situation that contains so many facets.

Can one only maintain optimism when there is hope? I guess I will find out.