Monday, December 23, 2013

Words that can't do justice.

Over the past few months I've been only slightly aware of my sadness, anxiety, and needs and have been watching myself wondering what can I do about it? What can I write about it? What do I need? What is wrong? And because I couldn't come up with an answer, I haven't written anything about it here. Instead I've been distracting myself from my feelings by getting involved in other people's drama (I'm learning that I do that often). I am going attempt to just muddle through it today because I think it's time.

I don't know how many years it will take for me to stay aware of the here and now of my new life with this new Dean. I seem to have thoughts in the back of my mind that if we have a change in our life it will somehow change our life or change Dean or change our relationship or change my abilities to cope with it all. I don't know if I necessarily expect anything specific but I am looking for improvement. I guess I do get some "change" but only of scenery and the illusion that the transition period is bringing some relief when it was only a transition. What I mean by that is when everything changes, routines are up in the air, moods are up in the air, everything is up in the air and since that's a break from the norm I let myself hope that when everything settles down it will all settle nicely in a more manageable way which will bring some relief. But then I'm awakened by the reality that even when things are up in the air underneath it all and when it all settles back down, it will still be the same. I will still miss my husband and our relationship, I will still get frustrated with stupid TBI and confused with stupid PTSD!

I've been swirling around with those feelings and thoughts for a few months now. I go back and forth between false hope and distraction and think "What do I need"? "What can I say"? I don't know how to answer the typical question I get which is "How's the new house"? I mean, there is the response that everyone wants and that response IS true but it's certainly only a minuscule part of the truth and that is ~ The house is great! Life here is awesome! Dean's doing well! But the rest of the answer to their questions is ~ The house needs so many little things that will take us years to accomplish because Dean moves at 20 mph and he just can't get to everything. I will need to become a damn contractor myself so that I can do some of these things. Life isn't awesome, it's just in a new location and the same things suck. And Dean's overall health and abilities aren't better, they are but they aren't! It's just more complicated and no one will understand anyway. So...I give the answer people want to hear while underneath I'm alone with needs that I don't have words for.

When average folks hear about how this new house brought work along with it, I fear the response will be along the lines of "Well, what did  you expect, you bought 18 acres"! As if I was not aware of what I was doing? I'll tell you that no matter what house we would have bought, whether a condo or a 1000 acres, I can't escape Dean's TBI/PTSD. His symptoms will never go away, they may change depending on where we live (some symptoms get highlighted while others are easier to cope with and vice versa) but where we live won't cure him! I think people expect a cure because TBI/PTSD symptoms are affected by the environment. But when it boils right down to it, unless you live it, you won't understand. It's like trying to explain colors to a blind person or sounds to deaf person. I can use words that sounds like they have meanings but no words can capture the complexity of it all! THAT is ultimately what makes me feel so alone! It sucks having no one to just take your word for it and give compassion without having to understand it.

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