Monday, March 2, 2015

Alive Day is approaching

Well it's going on about 10 days of Dean in weird funk. He is admittedly feeling very strange everyday, no coordination, wiped out exhausted, can't think right, can't form words, can't even be mad at it (which is strange for him because normally when he's having such trouble I'll hear him cussing from the other room due to his frustration with himself), sleeping more, getting less work done (which makes him mad usually but again he's too wiped out to even be mad).

His "normal" is to operate at a 20% pace compared to a non-injured person and every 3 or 4 days be exhausted, need some more sleep, need to isolate even more, then he's back at it. But for this to be 10 days to 2 weeks of this exhausted state? If you take his normal 20% and make that be HIS 100%, I'd say he's functioning at 20% of his "new normal". This is getting bad.

We both have been trying to figure he getting sick? No. Any med changes? No. Have we been having marital tension or issues with the kids? No. Any stressful events happen or coming up? No. Well......then it dawned on me that March 23rd is his alive day. Maybe this is him beginning to physically feel it coming? I mentioned it to him and he said "Maybe that's why I've been having flashbacks (he didn't even tell me he had been having them)....smelling the shit in the air, tasting the shit in the air, feeling the dirt on me again....".
What is weird is that here we are in our 5th year since his injuries and each alive day has been different. Mostly I feel they are a bigger deal than he does. I don't even think I mentioned it to him last year (or maybe that was the year before)? I don't know if anything will ever really settle in and be predictable. I don't know why I look for it to be predictable? Maybe it's just a natural human inclination.


  1. Hi, Karen,
    I just found your blog, oh my....your life mimics mine. Wondering about the Samaritan Retreat as we are Catholic, too.
    Could we talk/email/something?
    My email is
    God bless you and your family
    Darlene N

  2. For anyone else reading who has a similar question as Darlene, I will answer here too ~ I did email her :)

    Being Catholic and attending OHOP's Alaska retreat and becoming part of Samaritans Purse's family has been wonderful. Of course there is a recognizable difference in the language (Protestants do speak differently than Catholics do and the focus is a little different) but I never felt like they looked down at me or my beliefs, I never felt like they judged my beliefs in any way. They were all inclusively loving of every person! They are a wonderful organization and even if you are an athiest or a Buddhist or any long as you understand that you are attending a Christian retreat and are not bothered by listening to people believing that strength comes from God you likely won't be bothered at all by this organization's pure love for humanity!