Sunday, April 22, 2012

What you cannot see

Dean and I used to be inseperable! We talked about everything, we talked or texted probably 20 times a day while he was at work. We were best friends! We talked like friends talk..."i just saw this super rare car" he'd share, "i saw the coolest kitchen in a magazine that looks like something we could do" I'd say, "i heard a song that reminded me of you" he'd say, "ooooh i know what i'm making you for dinner tonight" I'd say. Just the little things...the little everyday, throughout the day things we'd share because we were best friends. I miss that.

I've had to learn, and still need a lot of practice to perfect it, how to NOT share those little things with him. I have to hold inside of myself all my thoughts and feelings which for 8 years I shared with him because now he can't handle it. Now when I tell him a little tidbit, the effort it takes him to hear my words, attribute their meaning, and then give a response is so great that he can't handle hearing them. It used to be that when I'd share a tidbit it was some random piece of information that didn't fit into anywhere and he loved that about me. I have not changed, I am still random and love to share, but he is not the same man. When I used to share I could feel the bond it created with him and now most days feels like there is no bond at all. I have to learn how to be connected to a man who can't connect the way we used to. I still don't know how to do that one. Those days when I feel his love and I can love him back are so wonderful....but they are rare now. I used to move through my day feeling his love every minute. I swear I could feel him thinking about me when he was 100 miles away from me! Now I have to ask him just to hear the words because he forgets to show me or tell me. I don't mind asking, but it is different....and sad.

Since I am so far from perfect I mess up all the time and a random piece of information or excitement will jump out of my mouth. I instantly want to pull it all back inside of me because I can see the confusion on his face because it's like he walked into a surprise party when it wasn't his birthday and he thinks he is forgetting something. I can see the panic that he feels because he can't pause the current thought he's having in his mind to hear my words and this makes him feel awful.  He worries about making me happy all the time and fears that his misfunctioning brain will cause me to not love him anymore. Of course he is so wrong, but that is the man he's always that worries about being a good husband to me. I reassure him all the time that he's still the same intelligent man he was when I met is just trapped inside there underneath a bunch of uncomfortable stuff. So when I mess up and a thought or feeling leaps out of me, I endure the pain of having hurt him pretty immediately. At that point all I can do is apologize and tell him wasn't important.

It gets lonely for me not have my old husband. It is difficult to try to redefine us. I try to be thankful that for him this process is not difficult at all. He knows he loves me, he is reassured of my love all throughout the day, and he just can't do things the same now. He does get frustrated...but doesn't really see the full effect it has on us compared to who we used to be. This is more of what you cannot see.

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