Living on the farm there are most days that I think "Wow, he's getting a lot better". Thinking that may give me some peace of mind but it makes me put little expectations on him that end up not being good. Those expectations will lead to me being let down and then frustrated as I ascribe motives to him failing to meet them. But that is all on me. He didn't have anything to do with that whole cycle.
We live a life that is conducive to his highest functioning here on the farm and this is why I sometimes think he's a lot better. I am so thankful for those times that remind me of what he still deals with inside and of the simple things that are so difficult for him.
Our daily routine is basically groundhogs day. That's how he functions best. I try to replicate each day and just slowly add in little improvements as I see necessary. That means life is boring for me but I do it for him. He is a worker in every meaning of the word. He likes to get things done, to feel productive, to build things and better his environment's functioning. He gets tickled at his accomplishments no matter how small and he loves to share them with me. It's his clutch on manhood that he believes is mostly vanished (I disagree). So with his high productivity he has a list of jobs which each have many steps requiring they be done in the proper order and job has a corresponding shopping list. Not a big deal for most people but each day he is unaware of what day it is, of his day's plan, of what he was working on yesterday and what he may need to finish today. He's always in the present moment and requires queues to remember things. He has taught himself to be very methodical and routine with his tasks and even though it means every step takes a lot more time, it's the only way he can get it done. The love for his animals forces him outside each day to feed and water them. He has a relationship with them all and has the funniest stories to share with me about the Days Of Their Lives...lol. Once he's out there then he's in THAT moment, surrounding by his work. Groundhog's day.
It's when I get the text that we need to go to the hardware store that his routine now must take a detour. We must venture out of our groundhog's day and into the mine field of the unpredictable world....turn up the stress and hold on to your seats! These are the experiences though that I'm ultimately thankful for, like I said above, even if they make me incredibly sad at the same time. Sometimes I watch our situation from the eyes of an onlooker. A grown man talking to himself in aisle 6 holding onto parts while he tries to figure out what piece will go where. The man struggles to stand upright and think while his frustration can be seen and felt by those that pass by. He gets angry that they are there invading his aisle! He gets angry at the music coming down from above, at the occasional "Are you finding everything ok"? interruptions, and worries that he's making his wife unhappy to be there. He feels he's failing her because his stupid brain can't do this. He's so defeated yet he knows if he gives up and leaves he'll have to come back because he needs these parts! I try to wander around the store coming back to "feel his vibes" every few minutes. I can feel that he's worried about me so I approach in time to hear his apology. I reassure him that I'm just fine and he can take all the time he needs! I wander some more. If I were to stand there he'd feel more pressure and so I don't want to add to it. When I see that other people are encroaching into his large bubble, I place myself between them so he can calm down a bit. When he finally thinks he has what he needs, we venture to the checkout counter where he'll have to dodge through the checker's gunfire questions. I try to answer where I can, I try to interject the suggestion that he can go out to the car and I can take it from here. Sometimes he takes me up on that but sometimes he just stays and suffers through this last agonizing ascent. When he's successfully passed this exam of answering all the questions without blowing a fuse, getting out the debit card, pushing the right buttons on the pay pad, putting the debit card back in the wallet, gathering his bags, and walking out of the store he lets out a sigh of relief! He relaxes in the car as I take him back to his safe base. Both of us hope we won't have to do that for quite a while!
Inevitably that battle at the hardware store will have taken all his energy for the day and his reserves. He'll be taking it easy and sleeping extra hours for that one. It will take us 2 or 3 days to get back on schedule, back to groundhogs day on the farm, back to him being able to smile and share funny animal stories.
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Friday, June 13, 2014
My son deployed
My son has wanted to be a soldier since he was 11 years old. Even after moving to his dad's house when he was 15 and exploring a whole different side of teenage-hood, at 17 he called me up and asked me to take him down to the recruiter so he could sign up. He knew his dad wouldn't do it and he knew I would do it. I knew it's what he wanted, it's who he was always meant to become, a soldier's blood ran inside him.
He joined the Oregon National Guard (like his step-dad had done just a couple years prior). He became an Infantryman and was so proud! I flew to Columbus, GA to watch him graduate from basic and AIT. He came back to Oregon and did his monthly drills and yearly advanced trainings. He even had a stint in Thailand where his unit went there to train with the Thai Army.
He talked about the rumors of his eventual deployment to Afghanistan and the rumors changed over and over and I knew he wanted to deploy so badly (because that's why he signed up) that I thought maybe, just maybe, he was being more hopeful about the rumors than they were true. Ultimately all I could do was wait and see what happened.
It happened. He got the date. He went to AT to train for their deployment. The pre-mob ceremony was scheduled and I even signed up to go. It wasn't real yet.
Next month became next week and then it was tomorrow morning that I had to drive him to where they'd board buses that would take them to a plane. It still wasn't hitting me in my heart. It never does. I handle things logically and take care of logistics and planning. I'd helped him switch his phone carrier, add me to his bank account, copied his orders so I could cancel some contracts for him. I'd got the instructions for sending his things to him when he arrived to his first location. But I hadn't felt it yet.
The long drive to the bus was not filled with much talking. We had said everything that needed to be said and now it would just be fluff. Neither of us fluff much. Then we pulled into the parking lot and as he unloaded his gear from the trunk I watched my 6 year old give his big brother hugs and tell him he'd miss him. Then my husband shook his hand and probably pulled him in for a man hug but at that point I was in a fog - it was almost my turn. I could tell Josh was wanting it to go quickly and have as little mush as possible (he gets that from me). So I gave my hug and then he walked away. I didn't cry. I didn't say any last words from my heart. That's just not what we do. We had said all that needed to be said and he knows what's in my heart. Giving it to him at this moment would not be helpful to his hard shell.
I watched him walk away and I was thinking, "Oh my God that's it?? It's over?? That's all??" I got back into the car and slowly pulled out of my space and drove around the lot to the exit. I passed right by him and he didn't look at us, no wave, no nothing. It was typical Josh fashion and he was just like me, so I understood. I still didn't cry.
Then...I got about a block away when I got mad at some stupid trivial thing and started to blow my lid. My TBI husband, living in the moment as he does, asked in a very defensive tone, "What's the matter with YOU"? I replied, "REALLY"??? (ready for a brawl). And he made a smart move to just reflect for a moment at where we were and why, then he said, "Oh ya" with a sad and understanding tone in his voice and that's when I cracked!
During the weeks leading up to this day I had been told the details of where he'd be deploying and what their missions would consist of. It would not be void of danger. I would try to share my worry and sadness with Dean only to be met with his thoughts that this would be no big deal and that I was worrying for nothing. I tried to help him empathize by asking him to picture his cute, little, innocent, 6 year old being in danger and telling him that that's what this was like for me - training or no training - I'm the mom and I don't know what that training is like. He tried to understand but his emotions never could match mine.
So now we sat in the car and Dean did his best to understand how hard this was for me. I still don't know why my head can understand something and my heart just has a mind of its own. So my heart is breaking while my head thinks I'm being silly. My head is wondering why I didn't express any of this before, while Josh was here, would it have helped him? Would it have been important to him to know how I really feel? Hell, I didn't even know how I would really feel until that hug and watching him walk away. So the answer is obvious!
I took him to that bus yesterday morning and since then I've been forced to get out of my pajamas once and outside of that I've been in them. I just feel overwhelmed with bummed-out-ness. I'm just physically sad and depressed and he's not even in danger yet! He went to freaking Texas first for more training. But he's gone and I guess that's all that matters to my heart.
You see because of my unique predicament, I realize the reality that there is a 99.9% chance that the boy I birthed, the boy I read to and taught, who I took to football practice and Sea Cadets, the boy I homeschooled for a few years and who I fought with, the boy I helped graduate from high school by the skin of his teeth walked away from me yesterday and isn't coming back! That boy, who hasn't been innocent in quite some time (he IS 21 years old), will go and see things and experience things that no training can really prepare him for. I know now that there are more than two options - coming home or dying - I know the giant third option that is the most likely - his body will come home but his soul will have changed and his spark will be different. Yes this time is much different because he's not my best friend, my partner, my most intimate which Dean was. This time is a whole different journey that can't really be compared to the first one I walked. There are similarities - the worry - the wonder - the hope - the sadness - but ultimately nothing can prepare you for what you don't know.
He joined the Oregon National Guard (like his step-dad had done just a couple years prior). He became an Infantryman and was so proud! I flew to Columbus, GA to watch him graduate from basic and AIT. He came back to Oregon and did his monthly drills and yearly advanced trainings. He even had a stint in Thailand where his unit went there to train with the Thai Army.
He talked about the rumors of his eventual deployment to Afghanistan and the rumors changed over and over and I knew he wanted to deploy so badly (because that's why he signed up) that I thought maybe, just maybe, he was being more hopeful about the rumors than they were true. Ultimately all I could do was wait and see what happened.
It happened. He got the date. He went to AT to train for their deployment. The pre-mob ceremony was scheduled and I even signed up to go. It wasn't real yet.
Next month became next week and then it was tomorrow morning that I had to drive him to where they'd board buses that would take them to a plane. It still wasn't hitting me in my heart. It never does. I handle things logically and take care of logistics and planning. I'd helped him switch his phone carrier, add me to his bank account, copied his orders so I could cancel some contracts for him. I'd got the instructions for sending his things to him when he arrived to his first location. But I hadn't felt it yet.
The long drive to the bus was not filled with much talking. We had said everything that needed to be said and now it would just be fluff. Neither of us fluff much. Then we pulled into the parking lot and as he unloaded his gear from the trunk I watched my 6 year old give his big brother hugs and tell him he'd miss him. Then my husband shook his hand and probably pulled him in for a man hug but at that point I was in a fog - it was almost my turn. I could tell Josh was wanting it to go quickly and have as little mush as possible (he gets that from me). So I gave my hug and then he walked away. I didn't cry. I didn't say any last words from my heart. That's just not what we do. We had said all that needed to be said and he knows what's in my heart. Giving it to him at this moment would not be helpful to his hard shell.
I watched him walk away and I was thinking, "Oh my God that's it?? It's over?? That's all??" I got back into the car and slowly pulled out of my space and drove around the lot to the exit. I passed right by him and he didn't look at us, no wave, no nothing. It was typical Josh fashion and he was just like me, so I understood. I still didn't cry.
Then...I got about a block away when I got mad at some stupid trivial thing and started to blow my lid. My TBI husband, living in the moment as he does, asked in a very defensive tone, "What's the matter with YOU"? I replied, "REALLY"??? (ready for a brawl). And he made a smart move to just reflect for a moment at where we were and why, then he said, "Oh ya" with a sad and understanding tone in his voice and that's when I cracked!
During the weeks leading up to this day I had been told the details of where he'd be deploying and what their missions would consist of. It would not be void of danger. I would try to share my worry and sadness with Dean only to be met with his thoughts that this would be no big deal and that I was worrying for nothing. I tried to help him empathize by asking him to picture his cute, little, innocent, 6 year old being in danger and telling him that that's what this was like for me - training or no training - I'm the mom and I don't know what that training is like. He tried to understand but his emotions never could match mine.
So now we sat in the car and Dean did his best to understand how hard this was for me. I still don't know why my head can understand something and my heart just has a mind of its own. So my heart is breaking while my head thinks I'm being silly. My head is wondering why I didn't express any of this before, while Josh was here, would it have helped him? Would it have been important to him to know how I really feel? Hell, I didn't even know how I would really feel until that hug and watching him walk away. So the answer is obvious!
I took him to that bus yesterday morning and since then I've been forced to get out of my pajamas once and outside of that I've been in them. I just feel overwhelmed with bummed-out-ness. I'm just physically sad and depressed and he's not even in danger yet! He went to freaking Texas first for more training. But he's gone and I guess that's all that matters to my heart.
You see because of my unique predicament, I realize the reality that there is a 99.9% chance that the boy I birthed, the boy I read to and taught, who I took to football practice and Sea Cadets, the boy I homeschooled for a few years and who I fought with, the boy I helped graduate from high school by the skin of his teeth walked away from me yesterday and isn't coming back! That boy, who hasn't been innocent in quite some time (he IS 21 years old), will go and see things and experience things that no training can really prepare him for. I know now that there are more than two options - coming home or dying - I know the giant third option that is the most likely - his body will come home but his soul will have changed and his spark will be different. Yes this time is much different because he's not my best friend, my partner, my most intimate which Dean was. This time is a whole different journey that can't really be compared to the first one I walked. There are similarities - the worry - the wonder - the hope - the sadness - but ultimately nothing can prepare you for what you don't know.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
My song
A husband with a TBI and PTSD means that most of the time he doesn't share his feelings for me with me. I have to ask or prompt him. In his world, he loves me and just thinks he tells me so of course I should know, and he's content. In my world, he's distant and busy and is always giving something else his attention and focusing so hard on it that he can't spare even a look in my direction, and I'm lonely. Even when I'm working close to him helping him figure something out or research something or complete a task there are no "feelings" there...it's only work.
Music has this very special place in Dean's life. He has it playing all the time in his shop so he can hear it in the distance even when he's out in the pasture. It's like when it's playing that means his engine is running. It gives him the right fuel for his brain to stay on track. Without it he makes more mistakes, is more frustrated, and not in a very good mood. With it on he's smiling, singing, focused, processing pretty well, and takes these little walks on memory lane in the deep recesses of his past. Music always takes him to a place where used to be and allows him to visit his life before his injuries. It's such a joyous blessing for him to have the secret passageway to his past while its also sad to know that music is the only connection to this happiness.
With all his day-to-day seriousness and distance it is the most wonderful gift he could give me when he hears a song over and over in his shop and one day, when I happen to be in there while it's playing, he tells me "Oh here's your song" and he does his little, happy, jive dance around the garage while singing it to me :)
I remember this song from when I was younger but I had to run in the house to look up the lyrics. They really do sound like his sentiments! He is a simple man of few words. When he says words he doesn't embellish or otherwise make words bigger than his message. When he says something he carefully chooses his words and mean their literal dictionary meaning and he even uses words to mean what there origins are. He's got a word thing...haha.
So, here's my song: (enjoy :) I am)
Right Down The Line
You know I need your love
You've got that hold over me
Long as I've got your love
You know that I'll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you woman
Right down the line
I know how much I lean on you
Only you can see
The changes that I've been through
Have left a mark on me
You've been as constant as a Northern Star
The brightest light that shines
It's been you woman right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way
Of tellin' you everything
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
That every day I'm lovin' you so much more
'Cause you believed in me through my darkest night
Put somethin' better inside of me
You brought me into the light
Threw away all those crazy dreams
I put them all behind
And it was you woman
Right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way of tellin' you everything
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
Everything I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
That every day I'm lovin' you so much more
If I should doubt myself, if I'm losing ground
I won't turn to someone else
They'd only let me down
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you woman
Right down the line
I remember this song from when I was younger but I had to run in the house to look up the lyrics. They really do sound like his sentiments! He is a simple man of few words. When he says words he doesn't embellish or otherwise make words bigger than his message. When he says something he carefully chooses his words and mean their literal dictionary meaning and he even uses words to mean what there origins are. He's got a word thing...haha.
So, here's my song: (enjoy :) I am)
Right Down The Line
You know I need your love
You've got that hold over me
Long as I've got your love
You know that I'll never leave
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you woman
Right down the line
I know how much I lean on you
Only you can see
The changes that I've been through
Have left a mark on me
You've been as constant as a Northern Star
The brightest light that shines
It's been you woman right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way
Of tellin' you everything
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
That every day I'm lovin' you so much more
'Cause you believed in me through my darkest night
Put somethin' better inside of me
You brought me into the light
Threw away all those crazy dreams
I put them all behind
And it was you woman
Right down the line
I just wanna say this is my way of tellin' you everything
I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
Everything I could never say before
Yeah this is my way of tellin' you
That every day I'm lovin' you so much more
If I should doubt myself, if I'm losing ground
I won't turn to someone else
They'd only let me down
When I wanted you to share my life
I had no doubt in my mind
And it's been you woman
Right down the line
Monday, December 23, 2013
Words that can't do justice.
Over the past few months I've been only slightly aware of my sadness, anxiety, and needs and have been watching myself wondering what can I do about it? What can I write about it? What do I need? What is wrong? And because I couldn't come up with an answer, I haven't written anything about it here. Instead I've been distracting myself from my feelings by getting involved in other people's drama (I'm learning that I do that often). I am going attempt to just muddle through it today because I think it's time.
I don't know how many years it will take for me to stay aware of the here and now of my new life with this new Dean. I seem to have thoughts in the back of my mind that if we have a change in our life it will somehow change our life or change Dean or change our relationship or change my abilities to cope with it all. I don't know if I necessarily expect anything specific but I am looking for improvement. I guess I do get some "change" but only of scenery and the illusion that the transition period is bringing some relief when it was only a transition. What I mean by that is when everything changes, routines are up in the air, moods are up in the air, everything is up in the air and since that's a break from the norm I let myself hope that when everything settles down it will all settle nicely in a more manageable way which will bring some relief. But then I'm awakened by the reality that even when things are up in the air underneath it all and when it all settles back down, it will still be the same. I will still miss my husband and our relationship, I will still get frustrated with stupid TBI and confused with stupid PTSD!
I've been swirling around with those feelings and thoughts for a few months now. I go back and forth between false hope and distraction and think "What do I need"? "What can I say"? I don't know how to answer the typical question I get which is "How's the new house"? I mean, there is the response that everyone wants and that response IS true but it's certainly only a minuscule part of the truth and that is ~ The house is great! Life here is awesome! Dean's doing well! But the rest of the answer to their questions is ~ The house needs so many little things that will take us years to accomplish because Dean moves at 20 mph and he just can't get to everything. I will need to become a damn contractor myself so that I can do some of these things. Life isn't awesome, it's just in a new location and the same things suck. And Dean's overall health and abilities aren't better, they are but they aren't! It's just more complicated and no one will understand anyway. So...I give the answer people want to hear while underneath I'm alone with needs that I don't have words for.
When average folks hear about how this new house brought work along with it, I fear the response will be along the lines of "Well, what did you expect, you bought 18 acres"! As if I was not aware of what I was doing? I'll tell you that no matter what house we would have bought, whether a condo or a 1000 acres, I can't escape Dean's TBI/PTSD. His symptoms will never go away, they may change depending on where we live (some symptoms get highlighted while others are easier to cope with and vice versa) but where we live won't cure him! I think people expect a cure because TBI/PTSD symptoms are affected by the environment. But when it boils right down to it, unless you live it, you won't understand. It's like trying to explain colors to a blind person or sounds to deaf person. I can use words that sounds like they have meanings but no words can capture the complexity of it all! THAT is ultimately what makes me feel so alone! It sucks having no one to just take your word for it and give compassion without having to understand it.
I don't know how many years it will take for me to stay aware of the here and now of my new life with this new Dean. I seem to have thoughts in the back of my mind that if we have a change in our life it will somehow change our life or change Dean or change our relationship or change my abilities to cope with it all. I don't know if I necessarily expect anything specific but I am looking for improvement. I guess I do get some "change" but only of scenery and the illusion that the transition period is bringing some relief when it was only a transition. What I mean by that is when everything changes, routines are up in the air, moods are up in the air, everything is up in the air and since that's a break from the norm I let myself hope that when everything settles down it will all settle nicely in a more manageable way which will bring some relief. But then I'm awakened by the reality that even when things are up in the air underneath it all and when it all settles back down, it will still be the same. I will still miss my husband and our relationship, I will still get frustrated with stupid TBI and confused with stupid PTSD!
I've been swirling around with those feelings and thoughts for a few months now. I go back and forth between false hope and distraction and think "What do I need"? "What can I say"? I don't know how to answer the typical question I get which is "How's the new house"? I mean, there is the response that everyone wants and that response IS true but it's certainly only a minuscule part of the truth and that is ~ The house is great! Life here is awesome! Dean's doing well! But the rest of the answer to their questions is ~ The house needs so many little things that will take us years to accomplish because Dean moves at 20 mph and he just can't get to everything. I will need to become a damn contractor myself so that I can do some of these things. Life isn't awesome, it's just in a new location and the same things suck. And Dean's overall health and abilities aren't better, they are but they aren't! It's just more complicated and no one will understand anyway. So...I give the answer people want to hear while underneath I'm alone with needs that I don't have words for.
When average folks hear about how this new house brought work along with it, I fear the response will be along the lines of "Well, what did you expect, you bought 18 acres"! As if I was not aware of what I was doing? I'll tell you that no matter what house we would have bought, whether a condo or a 1000 acres, I can't escape Dean's TBI/PTSD. His symptoms will never go away, they may change depending on where we live (some symptoms get highlighted while others are easier to cope with and vice versa) but where we live won't cure him! I think people expect a cure because TBI/PTSD symptoms are affected by the environment. But when it boils right down to it, unless you live it, you won't understand. It's like trying to explain colors to a blind person or sounds to deaf person. I can use words that sounds like they have meanings but no words can capture the complexity of it all! THAT is ultimately what makes me feel so alone! It sucks having no one to just take your word for it and give compassion without having to understand it.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
New house and healing
Our new house is in a very private 18 acres. It's on the highway but our driveway is 1000 feet long and gains 100 feet in elevation so we are set off the road quite a bit. We can hear the road noise a little but because there is only one access road onto the property and we have an alert system installed there Dean feels very safe. Almost the entire 18 acres is forest which is what we wanted. We have beautiful, breathtaking views of mountains and tree tops. About 7 or 8 of the acres is in usable land for animals and it's all fenced and cross-fenced. We plan to live a more self-sustaining lifestyle which makes Dean very happy and like he's providing for his family again. We'll have 6 or 7 head of cattle, pigs, and chickens for food (as well as a large garden). We'll have ducks to combat the slugs, barn cats to combat the mice/rats, donkey to help carry heavy loads, llamas to protect the animals from coyotes and other predators, and goats to keep the blackberry brambles in check. Since Dean has dreamed of living this lifestyle he is so relaxes and happy here! This has definitely been the best therapy of his life!
Lots of new things going on
I haven't posted in quite some time and wanted to at least check in and give some updates.
God has had a wonderful way of answering prayers for our family! He got us away from the city for Independence Day as described in my last post :) And then with His perfect timing, He got us into our forever home just in time for my son to start Kindergarten!
In August we were told for the second time that we couldn't qualify for a home loan until our other house was sold. Out of habit, though, we continued to look at homes for sale. One day I found a house 12 miles from the town we lived in that sounded perfect by its description (which wasn't all that odd, lots of houses/properties sound great and then when we see them, we feel like we were tricked). My daughter said "We should go see that house today". I told her we couldn't qualify so what's the point. She said "I don't know, we don't have anything else to do today?? So let's check it out". I knew from the pictures that it was empty so no one lived there. My kids and I drove down to the property, parked in front of the locked gate at the bottom of a very long driveway and walked up to take a look. As soon as we saw it we were in love! We knew this was perfect for what we needed! Unbeknownst to me, Dean had arranged for us to meet with a real estate agent the next day to look at a house up north 40 miles or so. I thought, ok fine...we can't buy it....but if he wants to look then let's do it. When we were looking at that house/shop/property he loved the shop but everything else just wouldn't fit our life or our needs. I told him that I needed to get him out to see the house that the kids and I had seen...even if we couldn't buy it, having him see it would make IT the house/property the one that he'd use to compare all future listings to! So I set up an appointment with the listing agent because there would have been no way Dean could walk up that long driveway! When he saw the place he was instantly in love and convinced just like I had been that this was perfect!!!
I told the agent that we had been told by another lender that we had to sell our current home (which is being rented out) and that didn't make sense to me but what was I going to do? I'd been told that by two lenders :( She said "That doesn't make sense to me either, you need to talk to my lender, she's a direct lender and she's awesome"! So I thought sure, why not? On Friday I got her lender all of our paperwork for her to run the numbers and see if she could get us preapproved. We prayed all weekend - "God, You can do anything! If this is our forever home we know that You will make it happen. If this is Your will, You can do it all". On Monday, the lender called us and said "You guys are good to go, make an offer". We were ecstatic!!!! So we made an offer, they countered, we countered back, they accepted. So....we bought a house! God set everything up for us! We got a great interest rate, great timber deferred status so the taxes are low, great inspection and appraisal, equity in the home already! The blessings just keep getting better and better.
So we spent September and some of October packing and moving in and unloading boxes and we still aren't done but it's starting to feel like home. It's still weird to think that it happened, it's done, we don't have to keep searching, we're here but we will get there.
God has had a wonderful way of answering prayers for our family! He got us away from the city for Independence Day as described in my last post :) And then with His perfect timing, He got us into our forever home just in time for my son to start Kindergarten!
In August we were told for the second time that we couldn't qualify for a home loan until our other house was sold. Out of habit, though, we continued to look at homes for sale. One day I found a house 12 miles from the town we lived in that sounded perfect by its description (which wasn't all that odd, lots of houses/properties sound great and then when we see them, we feel like we were tricked). My daughter said "We should go see that house today". I told her we couldn't qualify so what's the point. She said "I don't know, we don't have anything else to do today?? So let's check it out". I knew from the pictures that it was empty so no one lived there. My kids and I drove down to the property, parked in front of the locked gate at the bottom of a very long driveway and walked up to take a look. As soon as we saw it we were in love! We knew this was perfect for what we needed! Unbeknownst to me, Dean had arranged for us to meet with a real estate agent the next day to look at a house up north 40 miles or so. I thought, ok fine...we can't buy it....but if he wants to look then let's do it. When we were looking at that house/shop/property he loved the shop but everything else just wouldn't fit our life or our needs. I told him that I needed to get him out to see the house that the kids and I had seen...even if we couldn't buy it, having him see it would make IT the house/property the one that he'd use to compare all future listings to! So I set up an appointment with the listing agent because there would have been no way Dean could walk up that long driveway! When he saw the place he was instantly in love and convinced just like I had been that this was perfect!!!
I told the agent that we had been told by another lender that we had to sell our current home (which is being rented out) and that didn't make sense to me but what was I going to do? I'd been told that by two lenders :( She said "That doesn't make sense to me either, you need to talk to my lender, she's a direct lender and she's awesome"! So I thought sure, why not? On Friday I got her lender all of our paperwork for her to run the numbers and see if she could get us preapproved. We prayed all weekend - "God, You can do anything! If this is our forever home we know that You will make it happen. If this is Your will, You can do it all". On Monday, the lender called us and said "You guys are good to go, make an offer". We were ecstatic!!!! So we made an offer, they countered, we countered back, they accepted. So....we bought a house! God set everything up for us! We got a great interest rate, great timber deferred status so the taxes are low, great inspection and appraisal, equity in the home already! The blessings just keep getting better and better.
So we spent September and some of October packing and moving in and unloading boxes and we still aren't done but it's starting to feel like home. It's still weird to think that it happened, it's done, we don't have to keep searching, we're here but we will get there.
Monday, July 8, 2013
In Alaska with Samaritan's Purse: Operation Heal Our Patriots
I will start by saying that there is no way for me to put in words what this experience did for us and for me, words just cannot do the experience justice.
A couple months ago I heard about an Alaskan marriage retreat for wounded warrior couples and I applied for it. Samaritan's Purse Operation Heal Our Patriots. I chose some dates at the end of the summer and thought I could turn it down if I couldn't make it work within that few months. On Thursday we got a call from Dustin with Samaritan's Purse saying that a couple had cancelled and wondered if we could fill the opening but that we'd be flying out of Portland on Sunday. Holy moly...could we actually do this? Sierra and Jeremiah (our teenagers) would be coming out to spend the next two weeks with us the next day so they would be here to watch little Dean, we had no appointments so our calendar was free, and then...the bonus...next week was 4th of July and that would be a BLESSING to miss the fireworks and be out in middle-of-nowhere Alaska! Both Dean and I have never both been away from lil Dean and this would be for 6 days, but I thought he could do it. So we accepted their invitation. Then the nerves started fraying. I was worried that we may be doing the wrong thing by leaving him with his siblings, I worried about doing something for ourselves while leaving the children behind, I worried about the possibility of the plane crashing and then lil Dean would have no parents. I was worrying like crazy! I got our affairs in order and decided to hush my fears and know that I always second guess my decisions to do anything nice for myself.Everything fell into place, we packed up and headed to the airport on Sunday morning.
We flew a direct flight into Anchorage and then loaded on a small plane that held maybe 12 people and flew out to the middle of nowhere, Port Alworth.
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The only way to get there is by plane and many if not all the locals own a small plane.
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As we were approaching the air strip we could see over 100 people lined up holding American flags and eagerly awaiting our arrival. It was crazy! I couldn't believe it! When we got off the plane everyone shook our hands and by the end of the crowd I was holding back tears. I couldn't believe all these people were so appreciative of Dean's service and our sacrifice, it was amazing!
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We went to the dining hall and had lunch and got some introductions. One introduction was to the famous world renowned French chef, Jean Claude. He had been the private chef for Frank Sinatra, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jackie Kennedy. This man's cooking was amazing!!! Definitely something we won't forget!
We met a couple who had lived in Port Alsworth for 38 years (their house is the one you see nestled in those trees out there).
Then we headed to our cabin, Coyote 2. It was beautifully decorated in a rustic cabin decor. There was a big fluffy bed, private en suite, and modest furnishings complete with a hand-crafted rocking chair which was really comfortable.
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The camp has many cabins and is nicely laid out with wooden walkways leading to all the other cabins. All the guest cabins are on the lake and have beautiful views of the water and the mountains which surround everything.
The camp if run by some paid staff and lots of volunteers! These volunteers are all Christian people who exude the love of Christ and are NOT religiously pushy at all!!! They just have love, concern, compassion, and caring pouring out of them! It was such a blessing to be in their presence!
Throughout the week we attended daily marriage strengthening classes, daily devotion, and various activities that we could sign up for.
Since Dean can't physically (due to TBI he gets too fatigued) do things that have too much time away from a bed, too much moving, too much noise, too many people/busy-ness, we signed up for one activity together. One day we went out on the Jay Hammond (a fishing boat) and went fishing for pike. Dean caught two of them, one of which got him the title local "famous" pike catcher since it was the biggest they'd seen. It was funny that for days random people would stop me and say "Hey, your husband is the one that caught that huge pike". I jokingly told Dean not to be surprised if some local media came to do a story on him....hahaha. Dean took it easy every other day.
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His other outing was a day out on the Track Chair when we "walked" out to the visitor center and he could see/touch some animal pelts, we got to see giant bear paws, and we bought some stuff to bring home to the kids. One of the days I ventured out without him since the activity would only take me away from the camp for 3 hours (Dean would likely sleep for the entire 3 hours so he'd be fine). I went to see Dick Proenneke's cabin which was just so very cool. This guy is worth learning about!
There was other types of fishing activites, a hike, and a bear viewing day that couples could choose to take part in as well.
Before we went, I'd heard of Billy Graham, but didn't think much of him. I know he's an important guy to Christians but as a Catholic I was more accustomed to listening to guys who spoke about Catholicism. I never knew anything about Franklin Graham and even if I had I wouldn't have thought much about him either? I got to meet, talk with, have dinner with, and sit around the campfire with Franklin many times this week. I'm not talking like a group of people listening to him talk or anything like that. I'm talking about Dean and I hanging out together and Franklin walking up and asking us about our day and ending up sitting down to have a more deep conversation about life in general. This man is the most normal guy who really has love and caring pouring out of him as well. He's a real man's man type of guy, not at all what I would have thought! At the beginning of the week the staff had told us that a copy of Franklin's book was in our cabin and ours to keep. I thought, "who is Franklin and why would I want to read about him"? By the end of the week I wanted to know more about him and on the plane home I started reading his book. The book is his autobiography Rebel With Cause and as I read the beginning of how he described parts of who he was as a child I had an even greater appreciation for him as the child he was could easily be seen in the man I met! He is a genuine man! What a treat to meet him, his wife Jane, and his daughter Cissie and her husband Corey. They are not a "show" family where they strut around showing themselves to the public for attention or because they realize they are in the spotlight, they came there because Operation Heal Our Patriots is a CAUSE they all believe in!!! They really are thankful to the men and women who fight to keep America free and they really want to give back to the warriors and their families who sacrifice for them. It isn't a media stunt for them! That was so touching to learn over the course of this week. I began to look back and the townsfolk greeting us as we got off the plane and the staff and volunteers and realized that they are there because Franklin led them by example!
One night we all went to Doc Furman's cabin. He's the surgeon who with Franklin started World Medical Mission where they sign doctors and surgeons up to volunteer their skills in very poor countries. His cabin was amazing! He has a God's view of a beautiful lake. It was quite an honor to go to his home for dessert and then we all shared stories of love in our marriage. One wounded warrior, Will, told a story of of when he was in the hospital after being wounded and losing his leg. He told the doctors and nurses he wanted to learn to kneel first rather than walk so that he could get down on one knee to propose to his then girlfriend, Kat. It was such a touching story it brought tears to my eyes. The most touching part was that I had been getting to see them interact all week long and they are just an amazing couple! His story was really icing on the cake :) The other story that seemed to stick with everyone was the one Dean told. He said that I was his perfect partner and that if there was such a thing as a wife store he couldn't design a more perfect woman than me! That just got everyone teary eyed and then all the guys started joking about if the wife store took returns or gave military discounts...hahaha. It was so touching to get to hear about all the marriage stories through deployments and wounds and hospital stays how everyone grew through the many hardships they faced.
The last day we had a church service which was strange for me as it wasn't a Catholic Mass. It wasn't that bad..we sang some songs and Chaplain Fisher did a great job leading the service. After that there would be some baptisms and I was so surprised to see that 4 couples' lives had changed that week to such a degree that they wanted Jesus in their hearts and in their marriages. Eight people got baptized that day in the frigid water. That day definitely brought tears to my eyes! I loved hearing people's testimonies about how they were touched by God that week!
Later that last day, we were all gathered around the campfire and shared stories of thanks for the beautiful week. The staff shared their thoughts and the couples shared theirs. Lots of tears were shared there as well. We learned that the three-person cleaning staff who went each day and changed out our towels, made our beds, and tidied up our rooms had also stood together and prayed for us while in our rooms! That was the most touching thing I think I had heard all week! They took the time and energy to actually care about the couple that was in each room. I assumed as anyone would, that when they came into clean they were sticking to a schedule and getting their work done, but cleaning our rooms wasn't just "work" to them. It was their way of imparting love on us, it was their way of letting Jesus work through them, it was their way of blessing us. Each couple was then given a study Bible signed by Franklin Graham and with personal messages signed by the staff and volunteers to each of us.
Then came the very sad good-byes. The staff shared with us all that this really wasn't "good-bye" but a "see you later" since we'd all be coming to an all expense paid reunion in North Carolina in February! I can't wait to see everyone again as well as every other week's couples!
At the beginning of the week the staff told us that we'd be becoming part of their family this week and when they said those words I thought that was a "thing to say" like people who often ask "how are you" when they really don't want to know. By the end of the week we REALLY WERE part of their family! They showed it, they lived it, they proved it all week!
A couple months ago I heard about an Alaskan marriage retreat for wounded warrior couples and I applied for it. Samaritan's Purse Operation Heal Our Patriots. I chose some dates at the end of the summer and thought I could turn it down if I couldn't make it work within that few months. On Thursday we got a call from Dustin with Samaritan's Purse saying that a couple had cancelled and wondered if we could fill the opening but that we'd be flying out of Portland on Sunday. Holy moly...could we actually do this? Sierra and Jeremiah (our teenagers) would be coming out to spend the next two weeks with us the next day so they would be here to watch little Dean, we had no appointments so our calendar was free, and then...the bonus...next week was 4th of July and that would be a BLESSING to miss the fireworks and be out in middle-of-nowhere Alaska! Both Dean and I have never both been away from lil Dean and this would be for 6 days, but I thought he could do it. So we accepted their invitation. Then the nerves started fraying. I was worried that we may be doing the wrong thing by leaving him with his siblings, I worried about doing something for ourselves while leaving the children behind, I worried about the possibility of the plane crashing and then lil Dean would have no parents. I was worrying like crazy! I got our affairs in order and decided to hush my fears and know that I always second guess my decisions to do anything nice for myself.Everything fell into place, we packed up and headed to the airport on Sunday morning.
We flew a direct flight into Anchorage and then loaded on a small plane that held maybe 12 people and flew out to the middle of nowhere, Port Alworth.
.jpg)
.jpg)
As we were approaching the air strip we could see over 100 people lined up holding American flags and eagerly awaiting our arrival. It was crazy! I couldn't believe it! When we got off the plane everyone shook our hands and by the end of the crowd I was holding back tears. I couldn't believe all these people were so appreciative of Dean's service and our sacrifice, it was amazing!
.jpg)
We went to the dining hall and had lunch and got some introductions. One introduction was to the famous world renowned French chef, Jean Claude. He had been the private chef for Frank Sinatra, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jackie Kennedy. This man's cooking was amazing!!! Definitely something we won't forget!
We met a couple who had lived in Port Alsworth for 38 years (their house is the one you see nestled in those trees out there).
Then we headed to our cabin, Coyote 2. It was beautifully decorated in a rustic cabin decor. There was a big fluffy bed, private en suite, and modest furnishings complete with a hand-crafted rocking chair which was really comfortable.
.jpg)
The camp has many cabins and is nicely laid out with wooden walkways leading to all the other cabins. All the guest cabins are on the lake and have beautiful views of the water and the mountains which surround everything.
Throughout the week we attended daily marriage strengthening classes, daily devotion, and various activities that we could sign up for.
Since Dean can't physically (due to TBI he gets too fatigued) do things that have too much time away from a bed, too much moving, too much noise, too many people/busy-ness, we signed up for one activity together. One day we went out on the Jay Hammond (a fishing boat) and went fishing for pike. Dean caught two of them, one of which got him the title local "famous" pike catcher since it was the biggest they'd seen. It was funny that for days random people would stop me and say "Hey, your husband is the one that caught that huge pike". I jokingly told Dean not to be surprised if some local media came to do a story on him....hahaha. Dean took it easy every other day.
.jpg)
His other outing was a day out on the Track Chair when we "walked" out to the visitor center and he could see/touch some animal pelts, we got to see giant bear paws, and we bought some stuff to bring home to the kids. One of the days I ventured out without him since the activity would only take me away from the camp for 3 hours (Dean would likely sleep for the entire 3 hours so he'd be fine). I went to see Dick Proenneke's cabin which was just so very cool. This guy is worth learning about!
There was other types of fishing activites, a hike, and a bear viewing day that couples could choose to take part in as well.
Before we went, I'd heard of Billy Graham, but didn't think much of him. I know he's an important guy to Christians but as a Catholic I was more accustomed to listening to guys who spoke about Catholicism. I never knew anything about Franklin Graham and even if I had I wouldn't have thought much about him either? I got to meet, talk with, have dinner with, and sit around the campfire with Franklin many times this week. I'm not talking like a group of people listening to him talk or anything like that. I'm talking about Dean and I hanging out together and Franklin walking up and asking us about our day and ending up sitting down to have a more deep conversation about life in general. This man is the most normal guy who really has love and caring pouring out of him as well. He's a real man's man type of guy, not at all what I would have thought! At the beginning of the week the staff had told us that a copy of Franklin's book was in our cabin and ours to keep. I thought, "who is Franklin and why would I want to read about him"? By the end of the week I wanted to know more about him and on the plane home I started reading his book. The book is his autobiography Rebel With Cause and as I read the beginning of how he described parts of who he was as a child I had an even greater appreciation for him as the child he was could easily be seen in the man I met! He is a genuine man! What a treat to meet him, his wife Jane, and his daughter Cissie and her husband Corey. They are not a "show" family where they strut around showing themselves to the public for attention or because they realize they are in the spotlight, they came there because Operation Heal Our Patriots is a CAUSE they all believe in!!! They really are thankful to the men and women who fight to keep America free and they really want to give back to the warriors and their families who sacrifice for them. It isn't a media stunt for them! That was so touching to learn over the course of this week. I began to look back and the townsfolk greeting us as we got off the plane and the staff and volunteers and realized that they are there because Franklin led them by example!
One night we all went to Doc Furman's cabin. He's the surgeon who with Franklin started World Medical Mission where they sign doctors and surgeons up to volunteer their skills in very poor countries. His cabin was amazing! He has a God's view of a beautiful lake. It was quite an honor to go to his home for dessert and then we all shared stories of love in our marriage. One wounded warrior, Will, told a story of of when he was in the hospital after being wounded and losing his leg. He told the doctors and nurses he wanted to learn to kneel first rather than walk so that he could get down on one knee to propose to his then girlfriend, Kat. It was such a touching story it brought tears to my eyes. The most touching part was that I had been getting to see them interact all week long and they are just an amazing couple! His story was really icing on the cake :) The other story that seemed to stick with everyone was the one Dean told. He said that I was his perfect partner and that if there was such a thing as a wife store he couldn't design a more perfect woman than me! That just got everyone teary eyed and then all the guys started joking about if the wife store took returns or gave military discounts...hahaha. It was so touching to get to hear about all the marriage stories through deployments and wounds and hospital stays how everyone grew through the many hardships they faced.
The last day we had a church service which was strange for me as it wasn't a Catholic Mass. It wasn't that bad..we sang some songs and Chaplain Fisher did a great job leading the service. After that there would be some baptisms and I was so surprised to see that 4 couples' lives had changed that week to such a degree that they wanted Jesus in their hearts and in their marriages. Eight people got baptized that day in the frigid water. That day definitely brought tears to my eyes! I loved hearing people's testimonies about how they were touched by God that week!
Later that last day, we were all gathered around the campfire and shared stories of thanks for the beautiful week. The staff shared their thoughts and the couples shared theirs. Lots of tears were shared there as well. We learned that the three-person cleaning staff who went each day and changed out our towels, made our beds, and tidied up our rooms had also stood together and prayed for us while in our rooms! That was the most touching thing I think I had heard all week! They took the time and energy to actually care about the couple that was in each room. I assumed as anyone would, that when they came into clean they were sticking to a schedule and getting their work done, but cleaning our rooms wasn't just "work" to them. It was their way of imparting love on us, it was their way of letting Jesus work through them, it was their way of blessing us. Each couple was then given a study Bible signed by Franklin Graham and with personal messages signed by the staff and volunteers to each of us.
Then came the very sad good-byes. The staff shared with us all that this really wasn't "good-bye" but a "see you later" since we'd all be coming to an all expense paid reunion in North Carolina in February! I can't wait to see everyone again as well as every other week's couples!
At the beginning of the week the staff told us that we'd be becoming part of their family this week and when they said those words I thought that was a "thing to say" like people who often ask "how are you" when they really don't want to know. By the end of the week we REALLY WERE part of their family! They showed it, they lived it, they proved it all week!
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