New house and healing

Our new house is in a very private 18 acres. It's on the highway but our driveway is 1000 feet long and gains 100 feet in elevation so we are set off the road quite a bit. We can hear the road noise a little but because there is only one access road onto the property and we have an alert system installed there Dean feels very safe. Almost the entire 18 acres is forest which is what we wanted. We have beautiful, breathtaking views of mountains and tree tops. About 7 or 8 of the acres is in usable land for animals and it's all fenced and cross-fenced. We plan to live a more self-sustaining lifestyle which makes Dean very happy and like he's providing for his family again. We'll have 6 or 7 head of cattle, pigs, and chickens for food (as well as a large garden). We'll have ducks to combat the slugs, barn cats to combat the mice/rats, donkey to help carry heavy loads, llamas to protect the animals from coyotes and other predators, and goats to keep the blackberry brambles in check. Since Dean has dreamed of living this lifestyle he is so relaxes and happy here! This has definitely been the best therapy of his life!

Lots of new things going on

I haven't posted in quite some time and wanted to at least check in and give some updates.

God has had a wonderful way of answering prayers for our family! He got us away from the city for Independence Day as described in my last post :)  And then with His perfect timing, He got us into our forever home just in time for my son to start Kindergarten!

In August we were told for the second time that we couldn't qualify for a home loan until our other house was sold. Out of habit, though, we continued to look at homes for sale. One day I found a house 12 miles from the town we lived in that sounded perfect by its description (which wasn't all that odd, lots of houses/properties sound great and then when we see them, we feel like we were tricked). My daughter said "We should go see that house today". I told her we couldn't qualify so what's the point. She said "I don't know, we don't have anything else to do today?? So let's check it out". I knew from the pictures that it was empty so no one lived there. My kids and I drove down to the property, parked in front of the locked gate at the bottom of a very long driveway and walked up to take a look. As soon as we saw it we were in love! We knew this was perfect for what we needed! Unbeknownst to me, Dean had arranged for us to meet with a real estate agent the next day to look at a house up north 40 miles or so. I thought, ok fine...we can't buy it....but if he wants to look then let's do it. When we were looking at that house/shop/property he loved the shop but everything else just wouldn't fit our life or our needs. I told him that I needed to get him out to see the house that the kids and I had seen...even if we couldn't buy it, having him see it would make IT the house/property the one that he'd use to compare all future listings to! So I set up an appointment with the listing agent because there would have been no way Dean could walk up that long driveway! When he saw the place he was instantly in love and convinced just like I had been that this was perfect!!!

I told the agent that we had been told by another lender that we had to sell our current home (which is being rented out) and that didn't make sense to me but what was I going to do? I'd been told that by two lenders :(  She said "That doesn't make sense to me either, you need to talk to my lender, she's a direct lender and she's awesome"! So I thought sure, why not? On Friday I got her lender all of our paperwork for her to run the numbers and see if she could get us preapproved. We prayed all weekend - "God, You can do anything! If this is our forever home we know that You will make it happen. If this is Your will, You can do it all". On Monday, the lender called us and said "You guys are good to go, make an offer". We were ecstatic!!!! So we made an offer, they countered, we countered back, they accepted. So....we bought a house! God set everything up for us! We got a great interest rate, great timber deferred status so the taxes are low, great inspection and appraisal, equity in the home already! The blessings just keep getting better and better.

So we spent September and some of October packing and moving in and unloading boxes and we still aren't done but it's starting to feel like home. It's still weird to think that it happened, it's done, we don't have to keep searching, we're here but we will get there.

In Alaska with Samaritan's Purse: Operation Heal Our Patriots

I will start by saying that there is no way for me to put in words what this experience did for us and for me, words just cannot do the experience justice.

A couple months ago I heard about an Alaskan marriage retreat for wounded warrior couples and I applied for it. Samaritan's Purse Operation Heal Our Patriots. I chose some dates at the end of the summer and thought I could turn it down if I couldn't make it work within that few months. On Thursday we got a call from Dustin with Samaritan's Purse saying that a couple had cancelled and wondered if we could fill the opening but that we'd be flying out of Portland on Sunday. Holy moly...could we actually do this? Sierra and Jeremiah (our teenagers) would be coming out to spend the next two weeks with us the next day so they would be here to watch little Dean, we had no appointments so our calendar was free, and then...the bonus...next week was 4th of July and that would be a BLESSING to miss the fireworks and be out in middle-of-nowhere Alaska! Both Dean and I have never both been away from lil Dean and this would be for 6 days, but I thought he could do it. So we accepted their invitation. Then the nerves started fraying. I was worried that we may be doing the wrong thing by leaving him with his siblings, I worried about doing something for ourselves while leaving the children behind, I worried about the possibility of the plane crashing and then lil Dean would have no parents. I was worrying like crazy! I got our affairs in order and decided to hush my fears and know that I always second guess my decisions to do anything nice for myself.Everything fell into place, we packed up and headed to the airport on Sunday morning.

We flew a direct flight into Anchorage and then loaded on a small plane that held maybe 12 people and flew out to the middle of nowhere, Port Alworth.

The only way to get there is by plane and many if not all the locals own a small plane.

As we were approaching the air strip we could see over 100 people lined up holding American flags and eagerly awaiting our arrival. It was crazy! I couldn't believe it! When we got off the plane everyone shook our hands and by the end of the crowd I was holding back tears. I couldn't believe all these people were so appreciative of Dean's service and our sacrifice, it was amazing!

We went to the dining hall and had lunch and got some introductions. One introduction was to the famous world renowned French chef, Jean Claude. He had been the private chef for Frank Sinatra, Elizabeth Taylor, and Jackie Kennedy. This man's cooking was amazing!!! Definitely something we won't forget!

We met a couple who had lived in Port Alsworth for 38 years (their house is the one you see nestled in those trees out there).

Then we headed to our cabin, Coyote 2. It was beautifully decorated in a rustic cabin decor. There was a big fluffy bed, private en suite, and modest furnishings complete with a hand-crafted rocking chair which was really comfortable.

The camp has many cabins and is nicely laid out with wooden walkways leading to all the other cabins. All the guest cabins are on the lake and have beautiful views of the water and the mountains which surround everything.

The camp if run by some paid staff and lots of volunteers! These volunteers are all Christian people who exude the love of Christ and are NOT religiously pushy at all!!! They just have love, concern, compassion, and caring pouring out of them! It was such a blessing to be in their presence!

Throughout the week we attended daily marriage strengthening classes, daily devotion, and various activities that we could sign up for.

Since Dean can't physically (due to TBI he gets too fatigued) do things that have too much time away from a bed, too much moving, too much noise, too many people/busy-ness, we signed up for one activity together. One day we went out on the Jay Hammond (a fishing boat) and went fishing for pike. Dean caught two of them, one of which got him the title local "famous" pike catcher since it was the biggest they'd seen. It was funny that for days random people would stop me and say "Hey, your husband is the one that caught that huge pike". I jokingly told Dean not to be surprised if some local media came to do a story on him....hahaha. Dean took it easy every other day.

His other outing was a day out on the Track Chair when we "walked" out to the visitor center and he could see/touch some animal pelts, we got to see giant bear paws, and we bought some stuff to bring home to the kids. One of the days I ventured out without him since the activity would only take me away from the camp for 3 hours (Dean would likely sleep for the entire 3 hours so he'd be fine). I went to see Dick Proenneke's cabin which was just so very cool. This guy is worth learning about!

There was other types of fishing activites, a hike, and a bear viewing day that couples could choose to take part in as well.

Before we went, I'd heard of Billy Graham, but didn't think much of him. I know he's an important guy to Christians but as a Catholic I was more accustomed to listening to guys who spoke about Catholicism. I never knew anything about Franklin Graham and even if I had I wouldn't have thought much about him either? I got to meet, talk with, have dinner with, and sit around the campfire with Franklin many times this week. I'm not talking like a group of people listening to him talk or anything like that. I'm talking about Dean and I hanging out together and Franklin walking up and asking us about our day and ending up sitting down to have a more deep conversation about life in general. This man is the most normal guy who really has love and caring pouring out of him as well. He's a real man's man type of guy, not at all what I would have thought! At the beginning of the week the staff had told us that a copy of Franklin's book was in our cabin and ours to keep. I thought, "who is Franklin and why would I want to read about him"? By the end of the week I wanted to know more about him and on the plane home I started reading his book. The book is his autobiography Rebel With Cause and as I read the beginning of how he described parts of who he was as a child I had an even greater appreciation for him as the child he was could easily be seen in the man I met! He is a genuine man! What a treat to meet him, his wife Jane, and his daughter Cissie and her husband Corey. They are not a "show" family where they strut around showing themselves to the public for attention or because they realize they are in the spotlight, they came there because Operation Heal Our Patriots is a CAUSE they all believe in!!! They really are thankful to the men and women who fight to keep America free and they really want to give back to the warriors and their families who sacrifice for them. It isn't a media stunt for them! That was so touching to learn over the course of this week. I began to look back and the townsfolk greeting us as we got off the plane and the staff and volunteers and realized that they are there because Franklin led them by example!

One night we all went to Doc Furman's cabin. He's the surgeon who with Franklin started World Medical Mission where they sign doctors and surgeons up to volunteer their skills in very poor countries. His cabin was amazing! He has a God's view of a beautiful lake. It was quite an honor to go to his home for dessert and then we all shared stories of love in our marriage. One wounded warrior, Will, told a story of of when he was in the hospital after being wounded and losing his leg. He told the doctors and nurses he wanted to learn to kneel first rather than walk so that he could get down on one knee to propose to his then girlfriend, Kat. It was such a touching story it brought tears to my eyes. The most touching part was that I had been getting to see them interact all week long and they are just an amazing couple! His story was really icing on the cake :)  The other story that seemed to stick with everyone was the one Dean told. He said that I was his perfect partner and that if there was such a thing as a wife store he couldn't design a more perfect woman than me! That just got everyone teary eyed and then all the guys started joking about if the wife store took returns or gave military discounts...hahaha. It was so touching to get to hear about all the marriage stories through deployments and wounds and hospital stays how everyone grew through the many hardships they faced.

The last day we had a church service which was strange for me as it wasn't a Catholic Mass. It wasn't that bad..we sang some songs and Chaplain Fisher did a great job leading the service. After that there would be some baptisms and I was so surprised to see that 4 couples' lives had changed that week to such a degree that they wanted Jesus in their hearts and in their marriages. Eight people got baptized that day in the frigid water. That day definitely brought tears to my eyes! I loved hearing people's testimonies about how they were touched by God that week!

Later that last day, we were all gathered around the campfire and shared stories of thanks for the beautiful week. The staff shared their thoughts and the couples shared theirs. Lots of tears were shared there as well. We learned that the three-person cleaning staff who went each day and changed out our towels, made our beds, and tidied up our rooms had also stood together and prayed for us while in our rooms! That was the most touching thing I think I had heard all week! They took the time and energy to actually care about the couple that was in each room. I assumed as anyone would, that when they came into clean they were sticking to a schedule and getting their work done, but cleaning our rooms wasn't just "work" to them. It was their way of imparting love on us, it was their way of letting Jesus work through them, it was their way of blessing us. Each couple was then given a study Bible signed by Franklin Graham and with personal messages signed by the staff and volunteers to each of us.

Then came the very sad good-byes. The staff shared with us all that this really wasn't "good-bye" but a "see you later" since we'd all be coming to an all expense paid reunion in North Carolina in February! I can't wait to see everyone again as well as every other week's couples!

At the beginning of the week the staff told us that we'd be becoming part of their family this week and when they said those words I thought that was a "thing to say" like people who often ask "how are you" when they really don't want to know. By the end of the week we REALLY WERE part of their family! They showed it, they lived it, they proved it all week!

A New Track Chair

A couple weeks ago we found out that Independence Fund awarded Dean with a Track Chair! Dean was not very happy that I applied for one and he wasn't very happy when we found out that they chose him to receive one. He doesn't want to need one, he wants to believe that he can somehow will himself to do what he pictures himself doing while he stays home 99% of the time because he can't get out and enjoy what he wants. He lives in a kind of denial about it and little Dean and I end up living a very boring existence because of it.

This all changed when we went to Alaska (I'll write about THAT awesome experience in my next post). They had a Track Chair up there that they had just gotten the previous week. Dean was the first wounded warrior to try it out. He LOVED it! He immediately realized that this chair would give him the independence and the freedom to do what he loves to do, be out in nature and relax without having to fear getting too tired, without having to plan out his energy reserves, and without having to put more responsibility on me.

When he was riding on it I realized that we haven't had a normal paced walk where I wasn't having to worry about his stability, energy level, or pain level in 3 years and how having this chair will allow us to do things we used to do! When I applied for one I had hoped that if he were awarded one he'd be able to see the benefits I could foresee and now he has. I am super excited!

Dean will get his custom made chair in September or October and we can't wait!

Pre-War Snapshot vs. Post-War Snapshot

I've been in an online reading group where a handful of wounded warrior wives all read the book Wounded Warrior, Wounded Home by Marshele Carter Waddell and Kelly K. Orr, PhD, ABPP and then met by video chat each week to discuss that week's reading and the impact on us and our family.

In Chapter 6, Marshele poses one particular reflection question that I felt would be beneficial for me to post here with my answers. She asks: "In your mind's eye, place a snapshot of your pre-war family/marriage beside a snapshot of your post-war family/marriage. Compare the two images for a moment. Now describe the differences you see in the two snapshots (facial expressions, body language, background or setting, lighting, sounds, colors, activity). Give as much detail as you can.

I thought about this and immediately saw our family in the kitchen at the old house in Willamina. Dean smiling, the boys recounting some funny story (having their typical dueling conversation), me smiling as I await the punchline to this story that I already heard. I would reach out and just touch Dean without any thought as an expression of my closeness to him. I would interject some mom-ism like "ok, ok, don't go off on a tangent, tell him what happened next" and Jeremiah would likely jump in on top of my last words and say "oh ya, oh ya.....". We could all just talk, stacking our thoughts on the trail of another's thoughts. The noise was like a typical high-energy family.

Another snapshot is of our family outside in the summer having to do some yard maintaining. Dean LOVED being outside and working on his yard even though there was more there than one person could really handle in the few hours a week he could spend on it. I had such bad allergies that I would only come out for a short burst of time with a snack or just to see how everyone was doing. Dean would be working his behind off, sweating, and having some massive pile of debris as a testament to what he'd accomplished so far, the boys would be off in another corner with their little piles while they'd also have some kind of mess as a testament to the bickering that they'd been shoveling all afternoon. Dean would go from the stern step-dad yelling at those boys to pick up the sticks and rocks in the yard so he could mow it to the loving husband when he'd see my face while I brought out sandwiches. He'd smile and give me a "Hi sweetheart...do you see all the work I've been doing, doesn't it look good"? We'd talk while the boys would throw things at each other in the background. Just good old chaos that was ok because we had a busy, high-energy family.

Now the snapshots look the same from day to day. There is no energy, everything is quiet, controlled, and as still as I can make it. Every person or action can only happen one at a time. Dean can't take energy faster than snail's pace. When I talk to Dean it has to be something important and no one else can make noise. If I can't keep little Dean quiet for the minute I'm talking, Dean will grab his head in pain and go upstairs. Most days we live with Dean upstairs and I am lonely. I get sick of having to do everything, be everything for everyone, hold up our slower spinning plates while I hop on one foot. In our old snapshots, in the background of our lives, both Dean and I were holding up our plates (football practice, school activities, family outings, Church on Sundays, the running of the home, the plans for the immediate future, planning long-term goals, etc). I loved being his partner. Now I hold them all and it's difficult and lonely. Thankfully we only have one munchkin at home now, but even with that I try to not schedule too much in our lives. I can't be away from home much and have to be able to cancel things on a moment's notice if Dean's having a bad day and shouldn't be left alone. I can only really make tentative plans for everything. There is very little touching in our current snapshot and very little smiling or laughing. The house is kept dark which goes just perfectly with our life right now :(

Lost closeness

I have been having a problem with Dean's and my relationship lately and I haven't written about it because I don't know if I can convey it well through writing or otherwise. I'm going to try.

I've touched on the loneliness that exists in a TBI/PTSD relationship but it so far reaching that it just pervades my whole life. I will start by saying Dean doesn't feel this loneliness that exists, it's only me who feels it. His experience is that we love each other, we are close, he loves me, I love him, things are great! He can sense my unhappiness and just attributes it to mistakes he must be making.

I've been thinking about what makes two people feel close in a relationship? What made me feel close to him before his injuries? I came up with a list:

• He used to be aware of what I did day to day and would help me out anytime he saw something he could do. He talked often of loving to "make my day easier". This always made me feel like we were partners, we were on the same team, and he was paying attention!
• He used to love to talk to me and learn about the little things I was thinking about. We would share the minutia of our lives and would always make each other giggle at how similarly we thought. I felt like I knew him and he knew me.

Even though there may be other things that help people feel close in a relationship, these two things were a constant all day, everyday occurrence that it was the base of our relationship. 

Now our days consist of him being in his own world, working on his own goals that he is trying so hard to keep in his memory. He doesn't share everything with me because as he says "any time I think of telling you something, another thought comes along and I forget what I wanted to tell you". It makes me picture how his mind must be like a crazy Autobon highway minus any order. I can't expect him to share his thoughts with me if it's so difficult and confusing and would just cause him pain.

Now keeping his own thoughts in his mind takes so much effort and focus that he can't also be aware of what I'm doing or how he could help me. I can't expect him to pay attention to me on top of trying so hard to do his own things all by himself. 

At the end of all this...it's just a sad reality. The list of things Dean lost is long and it may seem like a trivial list to some, but when you live watching these losses in someone you love, it is very significant! Our closeness was also lost and that is just so hard to live with sometimes!

Lonely

I am feeling so lonely and lost right at this moment. Dean is feeling so bad today. He says he hasn't felt this bad since he first came home from Afghanistan. I don't know what's causing this? He has been going downhill for a couple days and I don't really know why. It's times like this that I just feel alone. It hurts me that he's upstairs hurting and exhausted and confused and sorry for having a bad day. I can try to just "go on" with a smile but my heart just aches. Who is supposed to tell me why he never gets any better and just seems to get worse?